Torrent
by kim-onka
Summary: For Jinxxed by a Shadow, Syaoran angst. Set somewhere near the beginning of the plot.


Disclaimer: Tsubasa belongs to CLAMP.

Spoilers: Lack of spoilers for once, yay, unbelievable.

Note: A request from Miss Jinxxed by a Shadow… it was a lottery and we both won ;D  
The request was Syaoran angst, so… it feels like returning to the bright beginnings of Tsubasa! Of course, a request was the only chance I'd ever write about _him_, hmm… But such is the nature of requests, right?

I hope you'll like it :)

* * *

Large, heavy drops of rain were splashing on the ground, breaking into tiny droplets scattering around like pieces of broken glass, but eventually dissolving into the omnipresent wetness occupying the ground.

Some of them on their way down were catching on to a young boy, traveling down soaked strands of his chocolate hair which hang over his face, concealing an expression of pain residing on his features. Some sank into his clothes, tainting them with moist blots, but he paid no mind. His thoughts were circulating around a girl who was currently sleeping inside the house, oblivious of the turmoil her person was causing in her guardian's soul.

She would remain oblivious forever, as for that the boy had no fake hopes. She wouldn't ever remember him, and everything that had ever mattered to him in life – this strange, twisted, uncertain life, the origin or reason for which still evaded him – was gone. Her friendship had been all that he'd had, and he had it no longer, it was gone and forever lost, and everything – every moment, every last second they had spent together – was in vain.

"All in vain!" he cried, hitting the ground with his hands curled into fists. The ground responded with an indifferent splash, proving its lack of sympathy towards his tragedy. "All in vain…" he repeated quietly, his voice trembling on the verge of breaking into sobs.

The cheerful happiness that had once surrounded the boy and his princess had died, leaving but a vague phantom to haunt him with remembrances she had been deprived of. The girl herself, now so weak and nearly lifeless, also seemed like a ghost – sometimes – of the one he had known, always so joyful and vivid with inner light; and it hurt, so much hurt to see her radiance dimmed so dramatically.

And yet it was still her, and her smiles – sweet, gentle smiles – were the same; but not entirely the same. Those smiles of hers were piercing the very core of his heart. For she had a smile for everyone – for the blond-haired magician, for the gruff ninja, for the white puff and for him, too – and the smiles she was giving _him_ were no different to those she was giving to the others. She was treating him politely, the way she would treat any other stranger. He wasn't anyone special to her. Not any more.

Not any more.

At times he was tempted to tell her everything, tell her what they had lost, let her know of his misery, even though she would forget everything in a split of a second and turn again into that familiar-unfamiliar princess; just for a little while make her feel robbed, cheated, abused – they way he felt –

- but he never did that. He couldn't possibly. Instead, he forcefully bent his lips upward, returning the kind smile with one which appeared a cracked parody threatening to break the mask of composure on his face in the manner equal to that with which it was breaking his heart.

How, how could anyone ever demand such a price, so inhuman and wicked, wounding so profoundly the deepest parts of his being, spoiling the holiest, most precious treasure he had ever had..? What greater forces, uncaring for a ruined life or two, were playing with him..?

Yes, he did decide by himself, confused and half-believing that such a grave injury could ever be inflicted on his soul, how could his – he had to admit before himself – _beloved_ princess ever commit such a betrayal… still it had turned out to be true, but it was too late, their fairytale had been erased from the surface of reality…

…of course he couldn't let her die, nor live without her – was it with or without her that he lived now, though? His starving eyes devoured her piercingly sweet smiles despite the bitterness they evoked in his heart, and he thought, and thought, and missed her…

…without her, who had been his light guiding him to any happiness, his life was but a dark abyss of despair he would gladly throw away. He wanted that life no longer, and yet he couldn't throw it away – because of her. Being bound to her even though she no longer recognised him, being obliged to stay by the side of the princess who can never be his after everything had been lost – what a cruel irony of fate! One nearly felt like laughing…

Indeed, a hoarse outbreak of cynical laughter escapes the boy's mouth, soon falling into uncontrollable, throaty weeping as he sank to his knees under the burden crushing him to the ground with the united power of all those facts he would so much want to reject from the consciousness.

Inside of himself he sensed growing hatred, hatred of his very being, of the Time-Space Witch who had sentenced him to loneliness, of the priest who had sent him to the Witch, of the destiny which was playing with his emotions and decisions so mercilessly, hell, even of _her_, the blankly smiled princess who was not the one he had known… the hatred scared him, what, oh what was becoming of him..? And yet there it was, like a thorn impaled in his heart oozing with denial.

The boy covered his face with his hands and cried, cried and cried over the lost paradise of friendship and buried hopes for love, grieved over his past happiness and shook in expectation of the horrors which awaited him in the future without her understanding eyes. He failed to notice the two men who approached him from behind until they laid their hands on his shoulders, silently sympathizing with his pain despite their inability to soothe it in any way. Even then he did not cease weeping, pouring out the aches and regrets – as long as _she_ was not there to see him.

Because later he would dry the tears and face her with a caring smile – another fake smile killing another part of his soul.

Only he wasn't sure how long he could stand it.

* * *

Die, loser! *evil glare*

Oh no, don't mind me... ^^'


End file.
